A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you do not need it.
What is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Whats the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
I say no to sweets, they dont listen.
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
If at first you don t succeed,  destroy all evidence that you tried. 
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear theyre gonna give him a really tough sentence.
So what if I dont know what Armageddon means? Its not the end of the world.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence thats well-written and a sentence thats well,... written.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises,... then it dawned on me.
Knock Knock! Whos there? Voodoo, Voodoo who?... Voodoo you think you are asking me so many questions?
Ive just written a song about tortillas, actually, its more of a rap.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.
Do you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do!
I hate Russian dolls. Theyre so full of themselves.
The best thing about the good old days, is that we were neither good, nor old.
250 lbs here on Earth is 94 lbs on Mercury. No, Im not fat. Im just not on the right planet.
My sister and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
Can a 3-D printer make ink cartridges for a 2-D printer?
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, Whats your favorite kind of music? The other says, Im a big metal fan.
Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Unsurprisingly, he lost his case.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar, it was a tense moment.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.  A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m.  I m not really a mourning person.
(Warning, this is going to hurtt!) My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.
Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!
Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong, on so many levels.
One time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Why did the weight watcher go to the paint store? He wanted to get thinner.
Man, I just got hit in the head with a can of soda. I was lucky, it was a soft drink.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
You know whats hard to beat for breakfast? A boiled egg.
A guy just threw a glass of milk at me. How dairy!
I was going to grow an herb garden, but I couldnt find the thyme.
The majority of Americans find bananas a peeling.
Every morning I vow to make pancakes, but I keep waffling.
I love candy canes in mint condition.
I stopped being vegetarian, when I realized the huge missed steak.
What are hot dogs called in the winter? Chilly dogs.
If Shakespeare cooked breakfast, heed make a hamlet.
Ive got very sensitive teeth, as a matter of fact, theyll probably be upset Ive told you.
I have kleptomania, but Im taking something for it.
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today, now, it just goes from bad to worse.
If you want to make your water bed more bouncy, use spring water.
I got a job filling in for a clock, but its only part-time...
People in Dubai dont like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.
I recently bought a muzzle for my duck, its nothing flashy but it fits the bill.
I went bob sleighing the other day and killed 250 bobs.
Man walks into a bar.... Ouch
Girls spend hours deciding what to wear and all guys do is try to picture them naked.
My wife asked me to get some pills to help me get an erection, so I bought her some diet pills.
People often say that my life must be tough living with erectile dysfunction, but honestly, its not so hard.
Sometimes my jokes need crutches because they are so laim.
Socialism jokes are only funny if everybody gets them.
This is my step ladder... I never knew my real ladder.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
I totally understand how batteries feel because Im rarely ever included in things either.
Never iron a 4-leaf clover, because then you are just pressing your luck.
When my wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer and I dont know what he laced them with, but Ive been tripping all day.
When I told my girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows too high, she looked surprised.
I am not sure about Switzerland but their flag is a plus.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
I wrote a book on penguins, but in retrospect, I realize that paper would have been easier.
My wife asked me to bring home a baby monitor, but based on her reaction I think she might have preferred a smaller lizard.
If a fire-fighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?
Is the last thing that Tickle Me Elmo gets before leaving the factory two test tickles?
I got chased by a mugger the other day and halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldnt help but think to myself, Hes giving me a good run for my money.
If you believe restaurants always overcook steaks, then you probably order them rarely.
A book just fell on my head, but Ive only got my shelf to blame.
I super-glued my thumb and index finger together, and I started to panic, but then I realized, its okay.
The first French fries werent actually cooked in France, they were cooked in Greece.
A job that takes balls is gender reassignment surgery.
The soup was un-fork-getable.
Mountains arent just funny, theyre hill areas.
I've seen less of my dad since the amputation.
I'm so great at being lazy that my doctor told me to expect atrophy.
When garlic gets hot, it takes its cloves off.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex, because theyre his watch dogs.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, sometimes I let her sleep in.
